considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
