I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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