So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
