Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
