I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
