I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
