So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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