i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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