Don't make out with my wife yet
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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