Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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