Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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