he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
