Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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