R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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