They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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