If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
