i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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