You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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