Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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