I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i out mim tonsoeep
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
