fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
