yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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