i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
