there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
