when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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