She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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