I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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