i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You ate ashes out of my bong
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
