Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
