a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
