I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you win again, gameday.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
