I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
