god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
