I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
