Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
