How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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