How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
