Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
