My nipple is on Facebook.
please come you make the beer taste better
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Randomize
