Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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