His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
