my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
