I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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