Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
