Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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