How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
