I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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