this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
