lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
