It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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